I remember fondly the days as a young child going to a fare and riding the carousel. I recall the enthusiastic climb up onto that horse and holding on for dear life as the melodious music started up and the Carousel began to move in a slow, steady circular motion that would gradually speed up faster and faster. I remember that addictive dizzying high I felt as my heart overflowed with joy, happiness and excitement!
As we move away from those precious childhood memories and into adulthood, there is another type of Carousel that we may encounter from time to time, one that is more sinister, confusing and frustrating. The Carousel of Emotional Unavailability.
I myself have ridden this Carousel may times in this life and in others no doubt! So first things first, what do I mean by Emotional Unavailability?
Emotional Unavailability is where a person finds it a struggle to express emotions and show vulnerability. They are often detached, have difficulty maintaining or creating relationships, can appear dismissive and avoidant and even narcissistic (ghosting, breadcrumbing, stonewalling and the like). When you attempt to “get real” with this person by expressing your need to talk about feelings and emotions, they may feel like you’re backing them into a corner! They could get quite defensive, call you ‘TOO INTENSE’ or they may just simply RUN!!!
Emotionally unavailable people are extremely non-committal when it comes to making plans unless it benefits them e.g. ‘Hey what are you up to? I’m bored, can I come over?’ They are often secretive and vague about what they get up to when they’re not with you. E.g. ‘So how was your day? What did you get up to?’ ---- ‘Oh you know, not much, this and that. What about you?’
A clear cut sign of emotional unavailability usually stems from (drum roll please…………..)
T-R-A-U-M-A! ! ! ! !
Is the person you’re dating just recently separated? When you’re talking, does their ex’s name keep creeping into your conversations? If so, there may still be a lot of lingering hurt and pain that hasn’t been addressed and healed completely.
Of course trauma can date back years, decades and even further than that! It could have been an issue/situation that involved a family member (parent, sibling, close relative), a former partner or spouse, a close friend or perhaps maybe all of the above!!
So what can you do if you find yourself drawn to an emotionally unavailable person? Firstly ask yourself:
Are you are willing to invest time, energy and effort into a connection that may not be fully reciprocated?
Are you prepared to deal with the ‘emotional mind fuckery’ that this person will no doubt bring into the connection?
And if you do finally get them to open up the ‘trauma files’, do you feel that you are emotionally stable enough to cope with whatever horrors may be revealed because once the beast is out of the cage, it’s going to be damn tricky to get it back in there!
It’s important to take stock and do an emotional audit on yourself before you get into any sort of relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. If you are still healing from old wounds yourself, it might be a good idea to jump off the Carousel for now and instead focus on loving, healing and nurturing yourself.